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Five Ways to Really Know Someone
- Compatibility:
Learn about his/her interests, values, priorities, involvements, personality, style, energy level, goals, attitudes and expectations for life. How much do you have in common? How much do you enjoy doing things together and talking? Do you find each other truly interesting? Are your personalities compatible? This is the stuff of great relationships.
- Relationship Skills:
It’s important to consider how well you can communicate with this person. Does this person possess communication skills? Is he/she a good listener? How open or closed is this person? Can you express yourselves honestly and talk out problems? How does this person handle conflict and strong emotions such as anger? The research is clear: How you communicate and handle conflict says the most about your future misery or happiness in a relationship.
- Conscience:
Have you seen examples that tested this person’s sense of right and wrong? Can she/he do the right thing when it’s not easy or when no one is checking? Does this person make wise and kind choices or just think of his or her own needs? Does she/he have a sense of how his or her words and actions affect others?
- Family Background:
Do you know his or her family? How do they treat each other? Are there patterns you notice that are troublesome? The patterns we learn in our family influence our behavior in future relationships. One’s expectations for closeness, affection, and dealing with conflict, are shaped by one’s family. How similar or dissimilar are your families? Are you liked and accepted by each other’s parents?
- Previous Relationship Patterns: How does s/he treat his or her friends? Does s/he stick up for his or her friends? Does s/he hold grudges or is s/he able to forgive? Does s/he use people for his or her needs? How we act in the past says a lot about how we will act in the future. Don’t fall into the oldest myth in the world: “Oh, s/he’s different with me.”
Remember: It takes at least three months to pick up on problem patterns! The five things will best predict what a person will be like as a future partner-even more than how they treat you now. |
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